I knew myself very well then, but right after I learned that I had “LUPUS”, Things changed as though they will never be the same again, never again.
After I had known about my illness, Tears fell endlessly. Shocked, I didn’t know what to do. I was alone and had no one to talk to. I went home crying knowing that I will never be cured. I don’t know how much tears I had shed. I don’t know how many questions I had asked. Why should it be me? What have I done to deserve this illness? I was so worried. I couldn’t help to think of what was going to happen next. Shall I die soon? Shall I die in pain? Until when will I live? So many, many questions stuck in my mind. Questions I couldn’t find an answer. I wasn’t aware of this disease. Why does God explain it to me in such crazy way? Why?
It took me quite a while to accept my condition. I cried each day, each night, each minute. I was so weak, I was so scared. Will I be like this every day? Weak? Fatigued? I felt like I was battered inside out. I thought I could no longer do the things I wanted. I felt so pity for myself. Already I don’t know what to do. I felt so hopeless but I knew I need to be strong. I must endure the pain. I must be a friend with my sickness and fight for my life.
I started to bring back my enthusiasm; I tried hard to bring back my smile. I tried hard to push my tears away. And I realized that it wasn’t hard at all to do these. Eventually, I got back to my old self!
I decided to join a Foundation; I wanted to do this because I felt I was not the only one who has lupus. I wanted to meet people who were also suffering from this illness because I wanted to gain knowledge from their experience. But, upon seeing other lupus patients, I didn’t how to react. I didn’t know what to feel.
Should I be glad? Should I be sad? I felt so much sadness instead of gladness that day. I felt sorry for those who suffered so much hardship brought by the disease. I felt sorry for those who cried hard from so much pain. Some of them suffered from complications in kidney, lungs, liver, eyes, heart etc. Some became sluggish, some became partly blind, and some had to endure a lot of pain, discomfort, and hardship without a caregiver. I found my problems and experiences nothing compared to what they’ve been through. It was at this point when I realized I was in a far better situation than them. But still, it brought me so much frustration. I felt more scared than before. I was afraid that I will be experiencing the same stinging pain. I know that time will come, but question is, when is that going to come? How soon will it be? I need to be prepared because honestly, I am not yet prepared.
Maybe accepting my condition is really hard to do. Having said that, to say that I already accepted my condition is somehow untrue. There are times when I cannot help but cry, times that my smiles are all lies. But still, I’d like to pretend that I am happy and everything’s all right because when everyone else believes that I’m fine, I forget for a while that I’m not, and it helps!
Somehow, I feel fine.
